Sequel's goal: getting kids to shit themselves

Well, the interweb has graced us with more new pictures, these being of Megatron...




and what I'm guessing is Ravage...



First, let's look at Megatron, who seems to have gone through a rather shocking change since he went looking for Nemo. I guess it makes sense that he's now got a huge-ass lobster claw for a right arm, but I'm not getting the left hand. It's like he said "Hey, make me as asymmetrical as possible! And while you're at it, let's turn my feet into tank treads!" I must admit, I do like the armored plates he is covered with. They initially distracted me from noticing that Megatron apparently walks around with an erection. It's bad enough that kids are going to be exposed to giant robots, but now they look like mutants and have another, grosser way to assault you. Awkward!

Then there's Ravage, who is supposed to be Soundwave's pet/minion. I guess if you wanted to, you could be a dick and say "why the fuck would they have big robot cats on Cybertron?" Well, they had big robot scorpions, so I suppose you should let it slide, ass. Seriously though, imagine seeing this thing running all over the screen, chasing after people and scaring the shit out of me... I mean the kids. Let's not forget the fact that this bastard is a CYCLOPS to boot.

I guess I know why they threw in a robot that turns into an ice cream van, just to balance out the evil of these two fuckers.

To Soundwave or not to Soundwave...

So over the past several days, several pictures of the possible toy design of Soundwave have found their way onto the internet, such as this...



and these...





Now, of course I don't know how much of this represents the final design. People have said that this is just his pre-Earth form, or that the toy is not transformed properly, or even that it's completely fake.

In the name of designers everywhere, I hope the first image is the closest to the final version. At least that image makes the robot seem somewhat intimidating; the other two robots look like those trucks that mexican dudes drive where they've slapped every known accessory onto it. All those pics are missing is little fabric balls hanging everywhere and "SOUNDWAVE" written across the back in Olde English lettering.

Aintitcool.com gets in on the fun...

Aint It Cool News posted the information about the dung heap of a plot element that is a "Pretender", and shockingly, people there seem to have come to some interesting conclusions...

"A Pretender? Trust Bay to use one of the worst TF plots. Pretenders sucked when I was a kid and they suck even more now. We already got Terminators on film."

"Oh no, not Pretenders. Those were one of the lamest Transformers around after the so called 'Action Masters' that couldn't even transform."

"Bay is SO out of touch.... Pretenders were what made me STOP liking Transformers. Not only that in today's age it is just going to come across as a Terminator or Battlestar Galactica rip off. Do you really want to be ripping a TELEVISION show on FILM? Just do everything you can to make part 2 as cool as the ORIGINAL Transformers cause Part 1 certainly never came close."

"WOW!!!! The hack screenwriters finally found a way around actually having the robots onscreen. Now EVERY random extra can be counted as a "Pretender"-major props though. It took major props to leave out everything that made Transformers cool and skip straight to the stuff like Headmasters and Pretenders that everyone hates. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the film ends with a slow-motion fireball enhanced mini-con orgy. Sweet, sweet mini-con porn....."

"WOW... just when I thought the Transformers couldn't get more stupid, something like this comes along."

"for fucks sake. Just when I thought Bay and his team couldn't fuck up Transformers anymore this comes out. The pretenders line was an act of sheer desperation as the popularity of Transformers was slipping. Check the sales of Pretenders figures - they were shit then and it's still a shit idea. Fucking morons."

My outrage, let me show it to you. More to come.......

God bless Fark.com

So this "Pretender" bullshit found it's way to Fark.com, and here are some responses to this turd of an idea.

"Cool tag?!? How is this cool? It's basically making the Transformers something they are not."

"ugh I hated the Pretenders."

"Aaaannnnd any urge I had to see the movie just died a nauseatingly quick and effective death."

"Cool?!?! That is a vortex of suck that dividing by zero can't even touch."

"Pretenders? PRETENDERS??? Ugh, if we get Pretenders before we get a 5 Transformer Gestalt, I'm going to personally gouge out Bay's eyeballs and cut off his ears so he can't make anymore movies"

"I still have a Pretender Transformer somewhere. It's the biggest load of fail I had as a kid."

"This sounds stupid. But I will await word of Megan Fox's nudity in this film before completely panning it/not bothering to see it."

"the writers just failed more than Ultra Magnus failed at holding the Matrix."

"HELL NO. I want vehicles that turn into bad ass robots that kick each others ass. It's a simple formula that works. What the hell is wrong with Bay?"

"Hm, extra-terrestrial robots... in a human shell. Wasn't there a crappy Eddie Murphy movie based on this concept already?"

"Now that they're talking about Pretenders (transformers with human shells), there's probably going to be a lot more Frenzy-style action. Which fucking sucks, and totally misses the point."

The cause continues.....

How to ruin a simple premise

Last week, tfw2005.com ran a report that there will be a character in TF2 that is a "Pretender". I had no idea what that meant, but if it needed it's own name, it couldn't be good. The post on TFW2005 stated the following:

"Pretenders are Transformers that are hidden inside a shell that acts as their disguise. In the case of Alice, the shell will be an attractive human woman while the inner robot is best described as a hybrid of the Frenzy robot design from the first movie. The Pretender Transformer will have an arm that transforms into an energy weapon, a long tongue, and a scanning tenticle."

Hidden inside a "shell"?!? So basically, this will be a five foot robot who wears a suit of fake skin. Then, I guess it sheds the "skin" and just walks around licking things with its long tongue and scanning a dictionary to learn how to spell the word tentacle.

This has got to be one of the dumbest fucking ideas I've heard of in a very long time.

Look, the Transformers concept is a very simple one: 2 factions of robots that can disguise themselves by TRANSFORMING into something else. Optimus Prime is a huge robot that's made up of parts that also make up a tractor truck. He doesn't add or remove parts to achieve either form - he just rotates and shifts individual and groups of parts until he's a robot or a truck. He doesn't need to come up with some sort of bio-synthetic costume, because he's wise and knows that's a moronic concept. Plus, he's really tall and that would be even scarier.

Now, I'm sure some people will say that this robot will have to resort to this method of disguise in order to get to Sam at college (spoiler alert). I guess infiltrating Air Force One didn't require dressing up.

So I did the only thing I could do - I registered a profile and took my cause to the forum boards of TFW2005. The opinions of the people who had already posted were pretty much along the lines of what I expected; people who were like me and thought it was out of place and lame, and people who thought that it was an awesome concept then and should look even more orgasm-inducing onscreen. In my posts I declared my distaste for this concept to appear in the movie, and voiced the opinion that to me, this just reeks of something other than Transformers. I actually got a private message from someone who directed me to the Transformers Wiki page (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Main_Page) in order to educate me on the Pretenders. Here's what I found:

"1988 also introduced the Pretenders, bringing non-transforming figures into the line for the first time."

So let me get this straight: to counter my statement that these aren't Transformers in spirit, this dude referred me to a website that informed me that the toys didn't even transform.

Now, if I remember correctly, 1988 was around the time that two things happened: the toys started to get a little goofier, and Nintendo had pretty much replaced everything in the hearts of little boys. Which, I imagine was also the driving force that led to even goofier ideas for the Transformers, like the Pretenders. I am aware that there's lots of concepts that have been associated with different Transformers lines throughout the years. That doesn't make them good concepts, and it certainly doesn't mean that they fit with the tone of the movie franchise. Mass shifting is a good example of this. It's a concept that was extremely prevalent in the TV series - even the main antagonist did it. But when it came time to do a live-action movie, that concept was done away with because it didn't fit with the realistic tone they were trying to establish. And it was a smart move, because it would have looked like shit.

It all boils down to this: money. And with films, that means box office take. And having some anteater-looking robot that masquerades as a sorority sister is going to be far less acceptable to mainstream audiences, because it's too hard to accept by people who don't know the line. Hell, I don't accept it and I've got a blog about the fucking film. And to those who say this will probably only last one scene, I say: then what's the point in the first place?

Why are the robots getting smaller?

When I find information about Transformers 2 on the web, it's mostly descriptions of actors doing things like running, talking, or - in Shia LeButt's case - smoking in the crapper at the Smithsonian. Let's be honest - no one cares. I totally understand the need for the human element in a Transformers movie, and I'm probably one of the few people who was not bothered by any part of the people-based story in the first movie. This is Earth, and there are people here. And we would probably notice if a bunch of bad-ass robot aliens came down to fuck shit up.

What bothers me is that the new aliens coming down to fuck shit up are apparently midgets.

Here are two examples. First...



Not only is this a tiny-ass robot, but it's pretty close to a robot we've already seen! Now, rumor has it that this is one of Soundwave's little helpers, so if that's the case then fine. But it's still small, and that kinda blows.

Second, we have these...



Apparently these are two Autobots who are twins, which is admittedly a cool idea. But from what I hear, they originally combine to transform into... an ice cream truck. Somehow they end up as a pair of cars that are only slightly bigger than my testicles. Seriously, those look like they were made by Fisher-Price. And there's talk of an even smaller robot at the Smithsonian who I think someone carries around in a box... like a damn hamster.

Gerbilbot.

When I heard that they were doubling the number of robots in Transformers 2, I didn't think they'd be shrinking the size of them. Hopefully Jetfire as a Blackbird will make up for these little guys.

One Year Away

Transformers 2 is tentatively scheduled for release on June 26, 2009. I say "tentatively" because it's a big word and makes me feel smart. I also say it because the actors (and directors) could possibly go on strike - not to mention that I still think they will need more time in post-production for rendering and whatnot.

I also say "Transformers 2" because that's what it is - taglines be damned.

Coming soon!

Stay tuned!