Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

I feel like a proctologist....

2009-08-04T08:50:00.019-05:00

...because I'm surrounded by assholes.

See, here's the problem with internet forums. Everybody's more or less anonymous, hidden behind a goofy avatar, so they use it to throw out opinions and argue and say things they think makes them sound cool and smart. Such as this guy:

"On both occasions, all were in agreement - it's a bloody awful film, really, really bad. Aside from the CG work and the robot battle setpieces, it's one of the worst examples of filmmaking - even popcorn entertainment filmmaking - I have ever watched. It's plotless, structureless drivel; you could do away with two thirds of the film and it would make no difference (except possibly to improve it) - an atrocious, sprawling, relentlessly idiotic mess."

Really. He went on to say:

"By contrast, I thought the first film was great fun, and has stood up to repeated viewing."

Ah. The Megan Fox avatar was only a hint towards this man's obvious stature among the elite minds of the world.

So my little jaunt through this thread was met by other passionate haters of this film, including one member who was very willing to argue every point I made about TF2. Interestingly enough, I learned later on that the dumb limey twat hasn't even seen the movie.

But the kicker is the involvement of a moderator. Let me explain to you about internet forum moderators. Like I mentioned before, people on internet forums are more or less assholes who use their anonymity to behave like pricks and throw out of bunch of witless nonsense. In other words, they are even worse than bloggers. Now, most of these forums have rather lengthy lists of rules, and a group of users called moderators enforce these rules.

Now, if being virtually anonymous gives the regular users a sense of entitlement, imagine how the people who are in charge act.

Here's a sample:

"And you sound like a joke character that's really no longer funny. Your gimmick had a good run, but really, it's old now.

How much more critical evidence do you want or need from across the board to show that the first movie was superior on levels that matter to film making as an 'art', about conveying the story through both dialogue and film techniques? Really, it's fine that you love it so much you have to white knight every slight against it in here, really it is, but there is no reasonable argument that can be made to say that RotF is a better crafted piece of cinema, because it really isn't.

Lack of objectivity for the fucking lose."

This was in response to my claim that he was presenting his opinions as fact, after telling me that mine were wrong.

I wasn't being a "joke character", I was discussing the topic at hand. Mr. Moderator had to come in and throw his 2 cents in about how he didn't like the movie (which really wasn't on-topic). I responded with a personal experience that was relevant to the topic. From there the conversation was joined en masse by people who absolutely hated the film, and degraded into several non-topic talking points, such as the unworthiness of TF2 to make the money it has, the perceived lack of talent Michael Bay has as a filmmaker, and the apparent pursuit of people trying to get those who didn't like the film to see it again.

The people who hate this film simply can't stand for people to disagree with them. For example, I'll repeat the question asked of me...

"How much more critical evidence do you want or need from across the board to show that the first movie was superior on levels that matter to film making as an 'art', about conveying the story through both dialogue and film techniques?"

First off, how about just 1 example of "critical evidence" showing how TF1 was superior in conveying the story through "both dialogue and film techniques"?

Was it the stereotypical Indian telemarketer who picked his nose? Or perhaps it was Bernie Mac's classic line "I'll bust you in the head, you old bitch"? Maybe it was a high-schooler selling antiques in history class (for "Columbus Day" gifts, no less). Or the repeated importance of a father's garden path.

Maybe it was in the beginning, when Blackout killed everybody... except for the group of soldiers that attacked him directly. No, that group somehow got away. Or how Blackout just goes away for the bulk of the movie, only to show up at the end. Maybe it was how there was no explanation whatsoever of how the Autobots even knew to come to Earth in the first place. Or how two Decepticons who can fly in jet modes somehow missed a convoy of cars traveling over 20 miles through the desert to another location, only to immediately know where they are in a big city. Or the logical reasoning behind moving a 3-story tall robot from the Arctic to the desert, and somehow posing him so he looks cool (without waking him up, of course). Or how Optimus Prime, for some reason, decided running through the streets as a robot would make more sense than actually transforming into his disguise... and bonus cinematic masterpiece points for it actually working! Not to mention the suberb film editing of the scene where Optimus hides under a bridge while in full view of the helicopters looking for him... and who for some reason stop for a break right under him.

Don't get me wrong, I love TF1. But it is a movie with a lot of story problems & very shaky dialogue (seriously, "my bad"???) Even the writers noted that the structure of the film was too scattered and that switching between 3 plot elements was a bit much. There was very little information about the actual Transformers in the story, and the movie was highly criticized for the camera angles used during the Transformer fight scenes.

TF2, on the other hand, cannot be faulted for a lack of Transformer information. We got a lengthy backstory of their history, and even though we got 3 plot elements, 1 was completely Transformers-based and the other 2 involved them directly. The camera work during Transformer scenes was noticeably pulled back in comparison to TF1 (in addition to there being 50% more screentime for them - another notable TF1 criticism).

This is not to suggest that TF2 is a perfect film; I've made no secret of my utter distaste for the design of the Twins and the entire concept of "Alice". There are continuity errors and 1 actual plot hole that I've noticed, and characters do show up and disappear with no regard or explanation. And if those sort of things ruin a movie for you, then I suppose I can understand. But they're present in every film, especially films that are as complex as TF2. I'm not saying it's an excuse, I'm saying that given the nature of moviemaking, mistakes are going to happen and it's best to allow some forgiveness when it comes to watching films.

But to say that the popularity of TF2 can be directly correlated with the "dumbing down of America" or that Michael Bay should be executed over Hitler or Stalin, then perhaps you take movies a little too seriously, and should probably find another hobby.

Officially Top 10 all-time

2009-07-27T20:49:00.002-05:00

TF2 has now gone through it's 5th weekend of release, and is now officially in the top 10 all-time in domestic earnings, sitting at #10 and at $379,214,172. It's just a little over $1 million behind the #9 movie, so it should actually pass it with today's (Monday) take. At #8 is Spiderman, which will be just about where TF2 finishes it's run. If it manages to pass it, TF2 won't get too far beyond it, so I'm going to go ahead and predict that when it's all said and done, TF2 will be the #8 movie all-time. TF2 actually is $4 million ahead of where I though it would be at this point, so now I think that it will be right at $388 million after next weekend.

Critics just can't let it go

2009-07-24T22:16:00.002-05:00

First things first - TF2 is now sitting at $371,089,745 after 30 days of release, and should finish this weekend close to $380m, keeping it in line to bust 400m. Woot.

Now on to the topic at hand: "professional movie critics" and their hatred of the movie. I just visited msnbc.com, and their resident critic has posted his review of "G-Force" - a movie about guinea pigs who talk like people and are spies. The header of this review is "At least ‘G-Force’ is better than ‘Transformers 2'".

I should mention that this critic, Alonso Duralde, is a complete asshole, and I've thought that about him long before TF2 was released. He seems to enjoy being a prick, as his reviews generally are among the most negative I read about any film. In fact, I don't think I've ever read a review of his where he seemed to actually enjoy the movie - which is odd, because his job is to watch movies. Imagine having a job where you got paid to do something you hated... doesn't make much sense, but to each his own I suppose.

Then there is Lisa Schwarzbaum over at ew.com, who posted a blog a few days ago about TF2. She claims that everyone (italics hers) she has talked to about this movie has said it was awful... and yet wonders how a movie so reviled can be making so much money. She claims to have "hung out" with a family of four who all thought the movie stunk, despite all being Transformers enthusiasts.

Now I don't mean to call Lisa out for being full of shit, but she's kinda full of shit. First off, not only has she not seen TF2, she hasn't even seen TF1. So it doesn't make sense that she'd post a blog about a movie that she hasn't seen. Second - I know several people who have seen TF2, and they all thought it was great. Maybe not great in a "Citizen Kane" sense, but in a sense that they got their money's worth - they were entertained, and highly so. I'm not clamoring for the movie to take Best Picture, but the movie has performed remarkably well, and it's doing so because people enjoy the movie.

So critics, get over it. Lighten up, and learn to enjoy movies.

Harry Potter and the Weekend of Fail

2009-07-20T17:42:00.002-05:00

Well, the big bad Harry Potter 6 just had it's first weekend, and despite initial projections that it could possibly challenge Dark Knight and TF2's record of $200m+ gross in 5 days, it actually came nowhere close. Over $40m short. HP movies generally start out strong and then fade out pretty fast, only 1 (the first one) has ever crossed $300m, and reviews are not exactly kind to this latest one. I doubt it's going to get there.

TF2, on the other hand, is now sitting at $363,808,123 after 26 days. After this upcoming weekend is through, it should be right at $375m. It's got a real shot at $400m.

The threat has diminished

2009-07-17T15:25:00.002-05:00

Well, the Thursday numbers are out, and TF2's record is still intact. HP6 came about $7 million short - and actually ended up in 3rd place for highest non-opening Thursday gross ever. So for now, it looks as though TF2 is gonna come out on top for the year.

Thursday was also TF2's 23rd day of release, and it hit $350 million, tying it with Pirate Movie 2 for the quickest to that mark. TF2 has lost a little steam, but that's to be expected, as the competition this year is much more prevalent. I think there is still a good chance it hits $400 - $50m in 40 days seems very doable.

Close, but no cigar, Potter dorks!!!

2009-07-16T14:53:00.002-05:00

Despite setting a new record for Wednesday midnight showings ($22 million to TF2's $16 million), Harry Potter 6 fell about $4 million short of TF2's opening day record of $62 million. Let's hope HP6 flames out after this weekend, so TF2 can have a shot at $400m.

Quick update

2009-07-09T09:08:00.002-05:00

Now that my vacation is semi-over with, here is a quick update on the TF2 numbers. It's now past $300 million in 14 days, which is behind Dark Knight's 10 days but ahead of POTC2's 16 days. Hopefully it can stay ahead of POTC2's numbers and make it to $450m, but Harry Potter is going to be a challenge. We'll see how things are after this weekend.

And the haters can continue to SUCK IT.

2009-06-29T17:33:00.000-05:00

1st weekend: $108,966,307

- Biggest first weekend ever for Wednesday-opening films

- First movie ever to have a $100m weekend in June

The film has now made $200,077,255 domestically. In 5 days. That...

- Ties "The Dark Knight" for the fastest time reaching $200m.

- Second largest take ever, first 5 days (largest among Wednesday openers).

Putting the "dumb" in fandom

2009-06-27T16:10:00.002-05:00

So I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time on websites discussing the ins and outs of Transformers 2. And much to my surprise, there is a vast number of people who deeply detest this film. It goes far beyond just not liking the movie; it's been called "the worst movie ever made", "an action film with no action", and Roger Ebert even famously suggested that TF2 will be studied by future generations as the film that proved big budget blockbusters can be "too much."

This is all, of course, while everyone I know who has seen it has loved it, and it's making a killing at the box office.

I'm not trying to suggest that box office numbers = quality, but 99% of the negative opinions I've seen have been coming from so-called Transformers fans! This is the group that I thought would be most forgiving about whatever shortcomings the film may have. I know for me personally, there's quite a bit of stuff that I would have definitely done differently regarding Movie 1. And yet, I saw it in the theater 3 times, bought the DVD the day it came out, and then bought the Blu-Ray months before I even had a player to play it on. My point is, my being a fan didn't result in me being more critical of the film. I enjoyed the movie far more than most people did because I'm a fan.

With TF2, my enjoyment was even more, because the movie was so much "more" of a Transformers film. And as with the first one, there are definitely things I would have done differently. There are imperfections. There are also a ton of scenes that were unlike anything I've ever seen in a movie. Ever.

It's like that cartoon floating around the web. There's a group of characters playing "Rock Band", while another one is yelling at them about how playing that game doesn't make you a musician.

They don't hear him because they're all having so much fun.

Same thing with this movie, while so many of these TF perfectionists are bitching about the movie, the rest of us are watching it and having a good time.

Day 2

2009-06-26T20:42:00.002-05:00

So in it's second day, TF2 pulled in $28,617,647. A closer look at the numbers shows...

That's the highest Thursday (non-opening day) gross ever, as well as the 4th highest Thursday take overall.

The movie has now made $89,245,788 domestically after 2 days.

Eat it, haters!

2009-06-25T15:26:00.001-05:00

$60,628,141.

Biggest Wednesday opening ever.

Second biggest day ever.

The review

2009-06-24T19:04:00.000-05:00

First off, let me begin by saying that the lead-up and eventual viewing of TF2 was a vastly different experience than TF1 was. With TF1, we had no idea what sort of movie we were in for - how the Transformers would be handled onscreen, etc. With TF2, the "movie universe" had been established, so the movie had the disadvantage of the audience being prepared for "real-world" Transformers. Additionally, the success of TF1 meant that fans were demanding in the pursuit of info about TF2; I know for myself personally, I checked websites almost every day trying to find anything and everything I could about TF2. Hell, I even started a blog about it.

The movie-going experience was pretty good. The crowd was excited, but not overly excited which can sometimes ruin a movie. There was a 9 year old boy sitting next to me, and we pretty much laughed at the exact same stuff (which probably isn't a good sign for either of us). The theater originally had 1 midnight showing, but I know they added at least 1 more (and I think a 3rd), and they all sold out. I've never seen the place so packed.

As I posted before, most reviews are trashing this movie. And honestly, most reviews trash most movies. And sure, there's stuff to nitpick at here. You can take any movie and find faults. But I keep reading how there was "barely a plot." If we're getting technical, then there was "barely a plot" to "The Dark Knight." I'm not going to really get into criticism/analyis/whatever of the plot. The story was completely 100% comprehensible to me, and at no point did anything about it bother me. People who are bashing the so-called lack or short-comings of a plot probably should just avoid going to movies altogether.

I'll get the non-Transformer stuff out of the way first. Quite honestly, I was a little disappointed at the lack of Lennox and Epps. I think that general had more screentime, or at least close to it. The whole "working together" aspect was really cool, and the characters not being jokey or comical really was a nice touch. Simmons was good, definitely more in-line with the overall tone of the movie than he was in the first. Le Butt was better, but other than that it seemed as though there was far less for the actual people to do this time around.

As for the Transformers themselves, lets do a quick check...

More Transformer dialogue? Check.

More Transformer fight scenes? Check.

Transformer backstory. Check.

Seriously, there is no way anyone can say that the lack of Transformers in the first movie wasn't addressed - I've even heard people complain that there were too many robots. The opening events were killer - literally. Ironhide's initial transformation scene was classic. Sideswipe did his thing, and even the girl Autobots were nicely done. Sure, we could have used a roster run-down for the new characters, and Ratchet and Jolt just show up mid-way through with no explanation of where they've been. But again, I'm just in awe of real-world Transformers on-screen. Wasn't that the whole fun of the toys - making up your own adventures? It's too bad so much info was released about Devastator - that would have been one of the biggest surprises ever. It was still unreal to see on a movie screen. Starscream and Megatron definitely had a more classic-inspired interaction, and people are virtually universal in agreement that Optimus Prime kicked ass like it's going out of style. I think Jetfire alone had more dialogue in this movie than all of the Transformers combined in Movie 1.

The Twins, for all the pre-worry and post-controversy, did not bother me. Yes, the designs are tragic and the personalities stereotyped. But I found myself laughing at them often, and the kid next to me loved them. It was a little weird to hear a Transformer call someone a "pussy", but I may have laughed loudest at that. As for the Pretender, I guess it was handled as best it could of been. It was out of place and not explained, but the chick was hot so at least I got something out of it. My only other real issue was the "beads" that truly did morph into a robot. Morphing is a no-no in this realm, movie-makers. Lets not do that again, OK?

All in all, this was definitely a much bigger film than the first. I'd say it was an improvement simply because there was so much more Transformers related stuff in it. After it was over, I was exhausted - there is a lot to take in. I'd say the camera shots were better - but there was still a lot of room for improvement, and some of the CGi was choppy. But I enjoyed the hell out of it, and will be seeing it again soon.

It is done.

2009-06-24T04:07:00.000-05:00

Reviewers be damned, the movie was highly enjoyable and entertaining. More will come later today.

Tonight's the night.....

2009-06-23T15:21:00.002-05:00

Midnight showing, should be fun... but the movie is getting some horrible reviews. Now I generally view movie critics as a very pointless and moronic group of people. For example, I remember one critic who gave "Return of the King" a C+. Right.....

One review I read said: "Bigger, louder, longer and more metallic is definitely not better."

Well, in a movie about Transformers, I think that's arguable at the very least. But we shall see.

Quickly quickly now....

2009-06-20T20:07:00.003-05:00

Well, I didn't entirely keep to my website embargo, but I didn't really learn anything new... although 1 aspect of the movie that I had heard of (rumored) was confirmed to be true. And if so, it does kind suck because it means that they screwed up a great character. Oh well. There's also a commercial on TV that shows one character killing another, which is an AWESOME clip but also kind of ruins the setup. Other than that, I'm still going into the movie relatively fresh.

Here's a pic I found of the Twins. Is it me, or are they holding hands?

Starting the embargo

2009-06-17T11:35:00.002-05:00

Well, now that the movie is only one week away, there is really no need to visit TF news-related websites until after the movie comes out. More and more people are posting reviews and opinions - and minor spoilers too. Yes, no one should rightfully expect the coolest plot ever from a Transformers movie, but I would still like to go into it knowing as little as possible. I've already read way more than I want to, and hopefully some of the things I read were just people trying to be clever.

More to come....

Midnight madness!

2009-06-17T00:20:00.000-05:00

Maintaining Radio Silence

2009-06-08T22:21:00.002-05:00

We're now about 15 days away from TF2 opening... which means the premieres are starting to take place. The World Premiere took place in Japan last night, so there are officially people who have now seen the film. And of course, these people have access to internet, so the details are starting to get out.

Now, I didn't really care about getting spoiled for the first movie. I knew Jazz was going to die, and I knew what all the robots were going to look like. And this time around I've seen all the footage and pics, and know the "basics" of the plot...

But this time around I don't want specifics, so I think I'm going to have to take a break from Transformers on the web until I see the movie.

Missed this

2009-06-06T00:09:00.002-05:00

So, after scouring the internet for stills and renders before the release of Movie 1, seeing Movie 1 in the theater 3 times, watching it countless times on DVD - and even buying the damn Blu-Ray months before I had a player, I somehow completely missed the fact that Ironhide has an injured eye.

Doh.

Amazing!

2009-06-05T23:56:00.003-05:00

It's all good

2009-05-29T07:44:00.003-05:00

I was a little harsh on Rogzilla - hopefully we have patched things up now.

The dark side....

2009-05-28T21:06:00.003-05:00

So I woke up this morning to find this image released onto the interweb:

This seems to be an image of the combined form of Optimus Prime and Jetfire, thus confirming something that I was really hoping would not be in the movie.

It's not that I mind this visually, it's just that the concept is a little beyond me. And yes, I'm aware it's an element that was taken from some branch of the franchise.

I'm also aware that it looks a little fucking silly.

So I started to think, and I realized that there are several things in the movie that I'm not exactly thrilled about seeing.

THE PRETENDER

This has remained my absolute #1 problem with the movie, and I can't imagine there is anything that will change my mind. A robot who wears a "human suit"? And DOESN'T TRANSFORM? I don't care about "more than meets the eye!" and "robots is disguise!" I'm sure there is a rationalization for putting it in the story. But is there one for using this over the many many many other characters available?

THE TWINS

I have warmed to these 2, but only slightly. I get why they are in the movie, and I can live with their personalities. But I just do not get the head designs. They insult me as a designer. I hope the Johnny 5 computer that designed them is the one that melted.

ROGZILLA

Not getting to see the movie with ROGZILLA, who will be out there somewhere without my guidance and thinking that the Transformers were created by a combination of artistic sentient computers and pixie dust magic.

GIRL ROBOTS

So apparently there are 3 female robots who may or may not combine into one big amazonian female robot. Normally I am a fan of any situation that gets 3 females together, but I've never understood the need for women Transformers. I know there's a logic behind it, but the robot designs that I've seen from footage look like ass.

SOUNDWAVE

It's not him being in the movie that bothers me, it's the design he's been given. And the fact that I don't think he even comes to Earth, or even does that much in the movie at all. There are few characters in the franchise that could be considered iconic, and Soundwave is one of them. Hopefully he is handled properly.

THE END

The movie ending will blow ass, because it's going to be another 3 years before the next movie comes out!

Just a quick rant....

2009-05-28T20:14:00.003-05:00

From ROGZILLA on the tfw2005.com boards. This was a discussion about what actually constitutes a "CGI" image. My stance on the matter is this: artist input + computer output = CGI image. Be it 2D or 3D, digital images are the result of a computer following a person's instructions. In the case of a 2D drawing, the computer is manipulating pixels based on the input of the person. The computer is NOT CREATING anything - it is changing the appearance of pixels to represent the intended image. In the case of 3D, the computer is NOT CREATING anything - it is RENDERING what is already there... that which was set up by the person.

The final product is a COMPUTER GENERATED IMAGE - generated by a computer, but CREATED BY A PERSON.

I have bolded the more inane parts....

"No, the analogy does work. It is so freaking brilliant, I wish I thought of it myself! I don't understand how you don't get it!

I set up the statue, I set up the lighting, I get the environment just right. Then I bring in an artist (the computer software) and then tell it to create an image based on what I set up. Did I generate the image? No, the artist, or in this case, the computer did. I just set the peices in motion.

Also, to your first part...um...yes, pixels ARE manipulated by human hands...that is how digital painting actually works. I mean, we don't physically TOUCH a pixel...well, unless we use a Wacom Cintique then maybe you are. But the artist is DIRECTLY altering the image. The artist is doing the rendering.

By your understanding, oil painting should be could OGI. Because we don't actually make the image, the paint does. Sure, we use it, we tell it what to do, we can manipulate it within the confines of certain restrictions and freedoms, but the paint is what makes the image.

In digital painting, the computer is the TOOL. In CGI, the computer does the WORK.

TOOL

WORK

TOOL

WORK

A computer doesn't melt when making a digital painting. It DID when rendering Devestator. Why? Cause it is doing the work! I can't explain it any simpler than that. Sorry man, I tried to see your perspective but at the end of the day, you are wrong.

Also, to avoid any confusion, I am ALSO not saying that the people who create CGI are not artists and do not deserve credit for the work they do. Many do incredible work and deserve all the credit but even they would admit that the final image that you see on the screen is created by the computer. Created BY the computer, not created WITH the computer."

So just to clarify, ROGZILLA is saying that computers are actually artists, and that all the kickass Transformers we will see in Revenge of the Fallen were created BY computers, not WITH computers. Let me repeat that: up to the point where the sequences were rendered, no computers were used in the design or creation of the Transformers.

Also, people can physically touch pixels.

I think in every situation, ROGZILLA is the tool.

LOLDAMN.

2009-05-27T23:40:00.004-05:00

Here is a shot from the tie-in TF2 video game.

If there is anything remotely similar to this shot in the movie, I will have no choice but to assault the person next to me out of pure glee.

One month to go!

2009-05-24T09:46:00.003-05:00

The countdown begins, there's only one month left before "Revenge of the Fallen" opens. I'll be updating this far more regularly in the next month.

In honor of there being just one month to go, here is a video I cut together using most of the footage we've seen so far from the movie, and the "New Divide" soundtrack song. Enjoy!

28 so far by my count.

2009-05-01T19:44:00.001-05:00

Well, we've seen the ShoWest footage and now this new third trailer. It's definitely looking as though lack of robots is not going to be a problem in this movie. I actually wondered how many we've seen now, and since I have no life I put this list together. I realize that there are issues with some of the names and the Constructicon count - I think there are 7 of them, and I think the one that was underwater is the same one Bumblebee was fighting. "Scalpel" is a dumb name, "The Doctor" sounds much creepier so I'm going with that. Same for "Demolisher" - does that fucker look like he's scavenging for anything? I also didn't include the 3rd "Sister" here just because I didn't get a clear shot, plus we don't even know her name. So by my count, there's that 3rd sister, Soundwave, Jolt, 2 more Constructicons, and the lame-ass Pretender yet be seen, which pushes the count well past 30.

It's kinda cool to see all these in 1 spot. Enjoy.

2009-04-10T00:32:00.001-05:00

Random Post

2009-02-25T14:17:00.003-06:00

So there hasn't been much news recently regarding the film. There's been a bunch of toy photos put out there, but I'm not really concerned about them. Apparently the yellow bulldozer member of the Constructicons is gonna walk around on four legs. That's probably going to look completely kickass onscreen, kinda like when that Gremlin turned into a spider in "Gremlins 2."

I bought a movie theater display poster with the 6-26-2009 date on it; I'm not sure if it's any sort of collectors item now that that's not a valid date, but it's still a badass poster.

And I suppose Megan Fox finally wised up and realized that I'm available. She probably reads this blog.

My mature response

2009-02-17T21:42:00.002-06:00

"Ephland, we get it, you don't like the designs. Its cool that you have your opinion, but don't go saying other people are wrong because they like it or think it would look better in motion. You seem to be trying to pass off your opinion as fact, and that is not cool."

- girafeswordsman, tfw2005.com member
via the forum

- ephland, autobot twin hater
via my friend's alternate lifestyle

WTF?

2009-02-17T00:32:00.002-06:00

What the fuck? Whoa that's fail. Why, TransFormers?

I mean, really? No one at Hasbro, or ILM, or even Chevrolet thought to maybe raise their hand in a meeting and say "Umm, did I just wake up from a coma and everyone started tweaking on meth while I was out?" Really? Those heads don't even look like they belong on the toy. I understand Chevy is wanting to promote vehicles (which, let's be honest - these probably aren't geared toward the Transformers crowd), but still... these designs really are piles of shit. They're not trendy, cool, slick, funny, or creative. And I don't really give a fuck about context - these are AWFUL and don't seem to fit at all with the imagery promoted so far on this film.

2009-02-11T18:06:00.002-06:00

Well, here's Devastator in all his glory. People like to call him "Devy" for short... does this dude look like he wants a nickname? I saw this reveal this morning and pretty much spent all day on the board at tfw2005.com. We got The Fallen today too, here he is...

All I can say about him is "eh." Don't really know this guy, as he's NOT G1! EVERYTHING HAS TO BE G1!!!

Not really, but I really couldn't care less about "The Fallen." Devastator I know. Everybody had that toy as a kid, and even though it was kind of dumb that the team had to carry around a huge head and giant fists in order to make a big robot, he took badass to a whole new level. At a reported 100+ ft tall in TF2, there's really no reason why he can't simply step on those two idiot twins, bitch slap Starscream and then dryhump the Sphinx.

People also need to stop wondering how the Autobots are going to defeat both of these assholes. Quite simply: they're not. Everybody's going to team up and fight The Fallen, which is weird because he really doesn't look all that intimidating. Yeah, I know he's supposed to be on fire. Whoopty shit... the Egyptians defeated him, and they weren't even ninjas.

2009-02-08T13:37:00.002-06:00

Here's "The Fallen", or at least the toy version of him. He's supposed to be the big enemy in the movie. The first clue is that his name is in the damn title. But when I first saw him, he reminded me of the big enemy from "A Bug's Life." That's not to say I don't like the design; in fact, I think Kevin Spacey should voice him.

TF2 Trailer Review

2009-02-01T23:02:00.004-06:00

First, I really should apologize for all the vitriolic hatred I spewed towards the TF Twins the other day. Not because I was wrong, but because the TF2 trailer simply and purely rocked my ever-lovin' balls off. I thought it was great, and was directed squarely at jerks like me complaining that the movie (or at least the characters) was going to be too goofy. Here are some snapshots, courtesy of tfw2005.com

Here's what is a pretty safe bet will be Ravage in the film, and I'm guessing this dude doesn't turn into a cassette tape. I'm not really sure what's up with his gnarly teeth, or the fact that he's get several rows of them. He's got a big hole in his mouth, which probably means he's a twisted version of a "Lazer Cat", which is a pretty twisted concept to begin with. Andy Samberg does drugs.

And here's Starscream, doing a kickass impression of the Cloverfield monster.

This picture makes me giggle, because that's Optimus Prime leaping through the air ever so gracefully. Never mind the fact that he's 30 feet tall himself, and is completely dwarfed by that robot who just raped an overpass bridge.

If you're reading this blog, then you know what's up with this dude. Sure, he looks like a crab riding a unicycle. And it's a little off-putting to see a giant construction vehicle turn into a crab riding a unicycle. But really, at the end of the day, what kicks more ass than a 60 ft tall crab riding a unicycle? Well...

I'll tell you. It's Megan Fox getting fucked from behind, which as we plainly see here, is in the movie. And the look on that dude's face is exactly what your face looks like if you get to fuck Megan Fox from behind. I'd probably employ a little more hair pulling, myself. But regardless, "Titanic" and "Ben Hur" can kiss their record goodbye, on the strength of this scene alone.

TF now stands for TOTAL FAIL

2009-01-30T20:10:00.001-06:00

I've been waiting to jump into this blog until substantial aspects of the movie were revealed. Well, today I woke up and went to tfw2005.com, and saw a big honkin' substantial aspect staring me right in the face.

The "Twins" have been revealed.

And holy shit are they a mess.

First off, I didn't have a problem with the character designs of the first movie, except for the first version of Megatron. He looked like a robotic Ent from Lord of the Rings. But they revised him, and in all fairness, it made sense for him to look that way because he was an alien, and that's how they roll. Mouths, flames, etc... I never really gave a shit. Optimus was a truck who transformed into a robot.

But a few months ago, a small picture leaked online. An orange head that looked like Wall-E's Appalachian cousin. It was a "face" cobbled together with spare parts, and almost assuredly had to have been a joke. Then a few weeks ago an M&M wrapper popped up online that featured the other twin (or at least an M&M version of it) with buck teeth - one of which was actually capped gold. Surely that was just because those M&M's are idiots, right?

Then the above image was posted across the fucking internet. There's the orange head, and there's the 1/2 gold buck teeth.

Actually, if you want to nitpick, you can point out other problems too. And since I have a blog and no life, I'm gonna.

First of all, what the fuck is going on with hands in this movie? Soundwave's toy has these bigger-than-normal fists all balled up, looking like he's Sean Penn in 1987. And these two have hands like Roger Rabbit. What's worse, their feet are even bigger! I can't even begin to imagine the crazy ass walk-cycles these two have. I have a degree in animation, and I can tell you that anyone who designs a character that features a toe-to-heel distance greater than the hip-to-ankle distance should pretty much have a shoe thrown at them. Twice. The tires in the feet are cool, and I remain a fan of the overall aesthetic of the movie designs (meaning, I like the bits and pieces visible).

But those heads.

Let's start with the bigger train wreck, the lime green abomination. I didn't notice it at first, but he looks like a rat, like some fucked up zombie Chuck E. Cheese. He's got "ears", and what actually looks like is supposed to be hair. There's virtually no symmetry to be found (yay for thinking outside the box!), which is especially noticeable when you realize that his eyes look nothing alike. It's not a "pose", it's two completely different sets of components, like they ran out of parts at the factory. What should have happened is that someone should have shipped him off to the Island of Misfit Toys so that flying lion in the crown could have kicked the shit out of him and put him out of his misery. Let's not forget the big front teeth. If this fucker eats cheese I'm going to set the theater on fire.

Then there's his orange brother, with a face only slightly less fucked up than that dude from "Little Monsters" after his face melted off. His eyes look to be similar in design, although they aren't exactly lined up straight, and I think he has eyebrows as well. He'll probably issue snappy one-liners and do that eyebrow thing that Groucho Marx used to do. Which will more than likely look pretty fucking scary, because his mouth seems to be just a piece of metal hanging there, going into spasms when this idiot starts the "routine" that these two assholes will no doubt start throwing down.

So far, most of what has been revealed about this movie has been pretty cool. I can't wait to see this corvette dude in action, and of course, there's the Constructicons. It just boggles my mind how these filmmakers can have such an established franchise - really, NO character work needs to be done, it's already there! - and make choices like these that are so far away from creative and well thought out. The filmmakers need to stick to what their target market wants: awesome robots that are fighting, hot women that I want to have sex with and kickass vehicles that I want to have sex with.

Win.

2009-01-08T22:46:00.000-06:00

Sequel's goal: getting kids to shit themselves

2008-12-08T22:33:00.002-06:00

Well, the interweb has graced us with more new pictures, these being of Megatron...

and what I'm guessing is Ravage...

First, let's look at Megatron, who seems to have gone through a rather shocking change since he went looking for Nemo. I guess it makes sense that he's now got a huge-ass lobster claw for a right arm, but I'm not getting the left hand. It's like he said "Hey, make me as asymmetrical as possible! And while you're at it, let's turn my feet into tank treads!" I must admit, I do like the armored plates he is covered with. They initially distracted me from noticing that Megatron apparently walks around with an erection. It's bad enough that kids are going to be exposed to giant robots, but now they look like mutants and have another, grosser way to assault you. Awkward!

Then there's Ravage, who is supposed to be Soundwave's pet/minion. I guess if you wanted to, you could be a dick and say "why the fuck would they have big robot cats on Cybertron?" Well, they had big robot scorpions, so I suppose you should let it slide, ass. Seriously though, imagine seeing this thing running all over the screen, chasing after people and scaring the shit out of me... I mean the kids. Let's not forget the fact that this bastard is a CYCLOPS to boot.

I guess I know why they threw in a robot that turns into an ice cream van, just to balance out the evil of these two fuckers.

To Soundwave or not to Soundwave...

2008-11-24T22:16:00.002-06:00

So over the past several days, several pictures of the possible toy design of Soundwave have found their way onto the internet, such as this...

and these...

Now, of course I don't know how much of this represents the final design. People have said that this is just his pre-Earth form, or that the toy is not transformed properly, or even that it's completely fake.

In the name of designers everywhere, I hope the first image is the closest to the final version. At least that image makes the robot seem somewhat intimidating; the other two robots look like those trucks that mexican dudes drive where they've slapped every known accessory onto it. All those pics are missing is little fabric balls hanging everywhere and "SOUNDWAVE" written across the back in Olde English lettering.

Aintitcool.com gets in on the fun...

2008-11-06T07:30:00.002-06:00

Aint It Cool News posted the information about the dung heap of a plot element that is a "Pretender", and shockingly, people there seem to have come to some interesting conclusions...

"A Pretender? Trust Bay to use one of the worst TF plots. Pretenders sucked when I was a kid and they suck even more now. We already got Terminators on film."

"Oh no, not Pretenders. Those were one of the lamest Transformers around after the so called 'Action Masters' that couldn't even transform."

"Bay is SO out of touch.... Pretenders were what made me STOP liking Transformers. Not only that in today's age it is just going to come across as a Terminator or Battlestar Galactica rip off. Do you really want to be ripping a TELEVISION show on FILM? Just do everything you can to make part 2 as cool as the ORIGINAL Transformers cause Part 1 certainly never came close."

"WOW!!!! The hack screenwriters finally found a way around actually having the robots onscreen. Now EVERY random extra can be counted as a "Pretender"-major props though. It took major props to leave out everything that made Transformers cool and skip straight to the stuff like Headmasters and Pretenders that everyone hates. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the film ends with a slow-motion fireball enhanced mini-con orgy. Sweet, sweet mini-con porn....."

"WOW... just when I thought the Transformers couldn't get more stupid, something like this comes along."

"for fucks sake. Just when I thought Bay and his team couldn't fuck up Transformers anymore this comes out. The pretenders line was an act of sheer desperation as the popularity of Transformers was slipping. Check the sales of Pretenders figures - they were shit then and it's still a shit idea. Fucking morons."

My outrage, let me show it to you. More to come.......

God bless Fark.com

2008-11-05T12:49:00.002-06:00

So this "Pretender" bullshit found it's way to Fark.com, and here are some responses to this turd of an idea.

"Cool tag?!? How is this cool? It's basically making the Transformers something they are not."

"ugh I hated the Pretenders."

"Aaaannnnd any urge I had to see the movie just died a nauseatingly quick and effective death."

"Cool?!?! That is a vortex of suck that dividing by zero can't even touch."

"Pretenders? PRETENDERS??? Ugh, if we get Pretenders before we get a 5 Transformer Gestalt, I'm going to personally gouge out Bay's eyeballs and cut off his ears so he can't make anymore movies"

"I still have a Pretender Transformer somewhere. It's the biggest load of fail I had as a kid."

"This sounds stupid. But I will await word of Megan Fox's nudity in this film before completely panning it/not bothering to see it."

"the writers just failed more than Ultra Magnus failed at holding the Matrix."

"HELL NO. I want vehicles that turn into bad ass robots that kick each others ass. It's a simple formula that works. What the hell is wrong with Bay?"

"Hm, extra-terrestrial robots... in a human shell. Wasn't there a crappy Eddie Murphy movie based on this concept already?"

"Now that they're talking about Pretenders (transformers with human shells), there's probably going to be a lot more Frenzy-style action. Which fucking sucks, and totally misses the point."

The cause continues.....

How to ruin a simple premise

2008-11-03T00:46:00.002-06:00

Last week, tfw2005.com ran a report that there will be a character in TF2 that is a "Pretender". I had no idea what that meant, but if it needed it's own name, it couldn't be good. The post on TFW2005 stated the following:

"Pretenders are Transformers that are hidden inside a shell that acts as their disguise. In the case of Alice, the shell will be an attractive human woman while the inner robot is best described as a hybrid of the Frenzy robot design from the first movie. The Pretender Transformer will have an arm that transforms into an energy weapon, a long tongue, and a scanning tenticle."

Hidden inside a "shell"?!? So basically, this will be a five foot robot who wears a suit of fake skin. Then, I guess it sheds the "skin" and just walks around licking things with its long tongue and scanning a dictionary to learn how to spell the word tentacle.

This has got to be one of the dumbest fucking ideas I've heard of in a very long time.

Look, the Transformers concept is a very simple one: 2 factions of robots that can disguise themselves by TRANSFORMING into something else. Optimus Prime is a huge robot that's made up of parts that also make up a tractor truck. He doesn't add or remove parts to achieve either form - he just rotates and shifts individual and groups of parts until he's a robot or a truck. He doesn't need to come up with some sort of bio-synthetic costume, because he's wise and knows that's a moronic concept. Plus, he's really tall and that would be even scarier.

Now, I'm sure some people will say that this robot will have to resort to this method of disguise in order to get to Sam at college (spoiler alert). I guess infiltrating Air Force One didn't require dressing up.

So I did the only thing I could do - I registered a profile and took my cause to the forum boards of TFW2005. The opinions of the people who had already posted were pretty much along the lines of what I expected; people who were like me and thought it was out of place and lame, and people who thought that it was an awesome concept then and should look even more orgasm-inducing onscreen. In my posts I declared my distaste for this concept to appear in the movie, and voiced the opinion that to me, this just reeks of something other than Transformers. I actually got a private message from someone who directed me to the Transformers Wiki page (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Main_Page) in order to educate me on the Pretenders. Here's what I found:

"1988 also introduced the Pretenders, bringing non-transforming figures into the line for the first time."

So let me get this straight: to counter my statement that these aren't Transformers in spirit, this dude referred me to a website that informed me that the toys didn't even transform.

Now, if I remember correctly, 1988 was around the time that two things happened: the toys started to get a little goofier, and Nintendo had pretty much replaced everything in the hearts of little boys. Which, I imagine was also the driving force that led to even goofier ideas for the Transformers, like the Pretenders. I am aware that there's lots of concepts that have been associated with different Transformers lines throughout the years. That doesn't make them good concepts, and it certainly doesn't mean that they fit with the tone of the movie franchise. Mass shifting is a good example of this. It's a concept that was extremely prevalent in the TV series - even the main antagonist did it. But when it came time to do a live-action movie, that concept was done away with because it didn't fit with the realistic tone they were trying to establish. And it was a smart move, because it would have looked like shit.

It all boils down to this: money. And with films, that means box office take. And having some anteater-looking robot that masquerades as a sorority sister is going to be far less acceptable to mainstream audiences, because it's too hard to accept by people who don't know the line. Hell, I don't accept it and I've got a blog about the fucking film. And to those who say this will probably only last one scene, I say: then what's the point in the first place?

Why are the robots getting smaller?

2008-06-27T21:35:00.002-05:00

When I find information about Transformers 2 on the web, it's mostly descriptions of actors doing things like running, talking, or - in Shia LeButt's case - smoking in the crapper at the Smithsonian. Let's be honest - no one cares. I totally understand the need for the human element in a Transformers movie, and I'm probably one of the few people who was not bothered by any part of the people-based story in the first movie. This is Earth, and there are people here. And we would probably notice if a bunch of bad-ass robot aliens came down to fuck shit up.

What bothers me is that the new aliens coming down to fuck shit up are apparently midgets.

Here are two examples. First...

Not only is this a tiny-ass robot, but it's pretty close to a robot we've already seen! Now, rumor has it that this is one of Soundwave's little helpers, so if that's the case then fine. But it's still small, and that kinda blows.

Second, we have these...

Apparently these are two Autobots who are twins, which is admittedly a cool idea. But from what I hear, they originally combine to transform into... an ice cream truck. Somehow they end up as a pair of cars that are only slightly bigger than my testicles. Seriously, those look like they were made by Fisher-Price. And there's talk of an even smaller robot at the Smithsonian who I think someone carries around in a box... like a damn hamster.

Gerbilbot.

When I heard that they were doubling the number of robots in Transformers 2, I didn't think they'd be shrinking the size of them. Hopefully Jetfire as a Blackbird will make up for these little guys.

One Year Away

2008-06-26T07:48:00.003-05:00

Transformers 2 is tentatively scheduled for release on June 26, 2009. I say "tentatively" because it's a big word and makes me feel smart. I also say it because the actors (and directors) could possibly go on strike - not to mention that I still think they will need more time in post-production for rendering and whatnot.

I also say "Transformers 2" because that's what it is - taglines be damned.

Coming soon!

2008-06-07T16:02:00.000-05:00

Stay tuned!